Saturday Morning Musings: Vol. 5

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On breastfeeding…


...I’m trying to go a full year breastfeeding. The WHO recommends 6-12 months and from looking at blogs and comments everywhere, most women go about 6-8 months. I’m going the full 12 months because that connection is so important and so singular. There is nothing else nurturing like that in our human existence so I want to give this little being his fair chance at experiencing that full, abundant, nurturing love.


Plus one thing that’s been easy about motherhood for me has been breastfeeding. I produce milk like crazy and Kai has been an eager eater since day 1. It’s also helped me shed the pregnancy weight easily and sped my hair growth. So why would I stop early?! He gets so many benefits and nutrients too. For me breastfeeding is just a big fat win. But he will not be like 20, coming home from college to have his breast milk lol. It stops for us around a year.


On the in-between…


…All my shit is in storage. It’s been over 2 months now. At first, it was excruciating. I was holding on. Holding on to my things and the life I thought they brought to me. Turns out life goes on, you find your way. It took me almost all of these 2 months to wholeheartedly accept living out of suitcases and to not feel guilty about living a life I didn’t expect Kai to live. Holding on to these ideals has left a mark of scarcity on me which inhibited me from being grateful for all that we have at the moment. We’re living a good life!


We’re in a nice temporary apartment and I’m providing the baby with everything he needs and more. I have everything I need and more. I have time to be with my family. Time to be creative. Time to cook and eat healthy foods. Time to plan. The administrative stuff towards permanently settling here is all pretty crazy but this crazy time is a time to cherish. I will look back on this point in my life with joy and understanding. It’s contradicting harshness and nourishment is birthing a different me. I can’t wait to see what I become.


On comfort and care…


...since I don’t know anyone very well in Paris, this whole life change into motherhood and career switching and changing domicile and getting legal residency has been extremely stressful on my body mind and spirit. I was so stressed and so protective of what little comfort and sanity I had that I couldn’t even imagine having visitors over to see Kai until recently. It was just all too much and all too out of my control. And if one more thing put me out of control I would’ve probably had a nervous breakdown. But somehow with all those things piling up I managed to keep it together on the surface and be present with how I was feeling in reaction to all the stimulus and stress.


Oh gosh how hard all that was. And people don’t care, you know! Well they care but they don’t think they have what it takes to be there for someone. I had no one to talk to unless I paid them. No one wants to see you cry. No one wants to witness another’s suffering. I did have a few silver linings in that and they know who they are. So this is why I go hard after self care and healing. These two helped me through to a stable, full, loving place at the moment.


I just read that one of my mindfulness teachers’ mother passed away from alcoholism. She was caring for her elderly parents and working hard and overtime to be in good financial standing. She stressed herself to death—how sad! But so many of us live like this! We don’t think we need to take all that time to care for ourselves and pursue our dreams. It’s seen as lazy and selfish and naive. That is so screwed up.


Well I take my naps and my long baths and my self massages and my strolls through the city quite seriously. I dream and create and plan. If I don’t do this for myself no one else will and the stakes are high. I’m glad to see that self care is trending but please don’t see it as an indulgent fad. It may very well save your life.